Mother, son write memoir on fostering experience

When Ben Snyder Jr. woke up every morning, he never knew if there would be someone new — or several people — to greet him at the breakfast table or if it would just be him and his sister and their parents. Likewise, he could wake up to a family of four and go to bed as a family of five or six or seven.

Such is the life of a biological child living in a home that fosters children who are orphaned or removed from their birth parents because of abuse, neglect or delinquency and need a place to rest their head for a night or a year or more.

“They had to get used to coming downstairs for breakfast and there are kids there,” Michelle Snyder said of her children, Ben Jr. and Annabelle, now 15 and 12. “They weren’t there when (they) went to bed the night before.”

Michelle and her husband, Ben Snyder Sr., opened their spacious house on the Winter Garden-Lake County border as a foster home for 10 years, and the entire time they worried about the effect this experience had on their own children.

“In every parent’s mind, there’s the question, ‘What did I do to my kid?’” Michelle Snyder said. “When (Ben Jr.) was old enough, I asked, ‘How did this affect you?’ He said it changed the way he saw things. It was so important what he said, I felt like other people needed to hear it, too. Stepping out … had such an impact on his life that was so positive. It was impactful to hear from him and thought we should share it with others.”

The result of their deep conversations is a memoir they jointly wrote, “Beyond Blood: How Being a Foster Brother Shattered My World and Rebuilt It.”

More than 25 foster children called the Snyder residence their temporary home, and the book shares “how brutal it was and how it was absolutely worth it also,” Michelle Snyder said.

The book tells their story but also encourages people to step outside their comfort zones and open their home to children in need because the experience can be enriching for everyone involved.

“I wouldn’t be where I was today without the growth … (and) the experiences I had,” Ben Jr. said. “I wanted to put out in the book how it positively affected me.”

“I think it increased his world view, increased his empathy to others; he practiced selflessness,” Michelle Snyder said. “It built resilience in him also.”

A PLACE OF REFUGE

Michelle Snyder’s reason for fostering was personal.

“When I was younger, I didn’t grow up with my biological parents, so I had a relative who raised me for several years,” she said. “It was difficult to experience, especially when I got older. We’re Christians, so we believe everything we’re given is a gift from God, and we wanted to make sure other kids (had a place to go).”

The Snyders began fostering in 2014.

“We just hit the ground running the day we were licensed,” Michelle Snyder said. “We started getting calls right away. We thought it would take a while, but it did not. The system is definitely overwhelmed. … I think there are a lot of people who don’t realize there are kids around us with no homes.”

Most children arrived with just the clothes they were wearing, so the Snyders had closets and drawers full of clothing for all ages and sizes.

Some children came with siblings. Others had special needs because of fetal alcohol syndrome, hydrocephalus, seizures or learning delays.

“A lot of them came with their own struggles,” Ben Jr. said. “A lot of them came from homes with abuse, and they were scared of me and my dad.”

Michelle Snyder agreed.

“We had a few of them that were just terrified of men,” she said. “Maybe, when they get older and look back, they can say not all men are bad.”

While at the Snyders, most of the children learned how to swim. A few learned how to drive.

Their fosters ranged from two months old to 17 years old. There were many who were just weekend stays, but others lived there for several years.

When the first infant arrived, the Snyders assumed the baby would be with them for a year and they bought furniture and accessories for the child, who stayed just one night.

“At one point, we had a room with a crib, a toddler bed and a twin,” Michelle Snyder said. “At one time we had two 2-year-olds, a 3-year-old, a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old.”

The book paints a realistic picture of living as a foster family and shares the lessons the Snyders learned.

“There’s going to be pain,” she said. “It doesn’t have a happy ending. But we would have snapshots of time with the kids, and they had a loving family and stability. … We would take a kid thinking they would be here for a year, and two days later they disappeared. And, also, they would place one thinking it would be a few days, and they were here a year.”

“For most of what I can remember, we’ve always had kids coming and going,” Ben Jr. said.

And the family remembers them all. A bright green scrapbook is full of photos of the children and their names and ages.

“If they reach out and say, ‘Do you remember me?’ I can say yes,” Michelle Snyder said. “The kids who came were just brave, resilient survivors.”

Ben Jr. said he and his sister grew from each fostering experience. They had to learn to share their parents, their toys and their blessings. It was important to the Snyders to ask Ben Jr. and Annabelle every time they were about to bring in a foster.

“It was always a unanimous yes,” Michelle Snyder said. “They would go put some toys on their pillow. I saw it as a comfort to see other kids here; they let their guard down.”

Today, the Snyder children are great friends with some of their foster siblings. Some of the ones who were old enough to remember their stay will call or visit occasionally. One is married with children and calls for advice on child rearing.

“We hope to always be extended family to the kids that want us to be,” Michelle Snyder said. “The foster kids are just incredible, innocent, amazing, resilient humans, and we hope that one day there’s no more and there is no more need for foster homes.”

Until then, though, the Snyders are sharing their story and increasing awareness of the need for foster families. They are taking a respite from bringing foster children into their home at the moment but continue to help other families wanting to open their home to children. After a short break, the Snyders will get back to what they do best — becoming a safe haven for the children who need it most, even if the process is painful.

“Of all the things we go through, saying goodbye is the hardest,” Michelle Snyder said. “You come to think of them as your own. When we were writing the book, it made us cry just talking about it. There will always be that loss there, but it’s so worth it. One girl came at 1-and-a-half and left at 2-and-a-half, and we were the only parents she knew.

“I used to get so scared before we’d get a child, and my husband said, ‘Just imagine how scared the child must feel,’” Michelle Snyder said.